Time for an update

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had updated . So far its been an awsome summer and my kids are loving the awesome weather. I am past the half way mark in my pregnancy and as each day goes by I get more and more anxious. If you ask me what my plan is it will really depend on the day as to what my answer will be. I am still at this point planning to VBAC. Where and how and with who is still not decided. I have not yet found a provider to be supportive and have heard it all from we don't allow this to yeah we can't force you but we will tell you every time we see you that you are making a mistake and putting you and your babies life at risk. Hmm not something I really want to hear at every appointment. I am holding out hope for 1 more provider that I have heard is very VBAC supportive and has in that past encouraged VBA2 and 3c. At this point I have all my options on the table in front of me including home birthing and going unassisted. Nothing is yet set in stone. A repeat is also on my mind but at this point pretty far from becoming a reality. I am somewhat concerned about the amount of scar tissue I have. Not on my uterus but from my wound separation with my last one I know I have tons of scar tissue from skin to fascia. And I do worry that if something were to happen like cord prolapse or even uterine rupture that the amount of scar tissue they would have to get through would be too much and either they wouldn't get to baby in time or I would end up with a classical cut and I DON'T want that. So I know I need to work through that fear and decide if that is enough of a reason to me to have a repeat. It would not be scheduled at all I would wait for labor to start then go in that way at least baby had picked its birth date and we both would get the benefits of labor. I have had many heart to hearts with my mom and to my surprise she says she will be supportive of what ever I choose, providing its in the hospital. Well I knew she would never budge on her opinion of home birth but I was very surprised that she is being supportive of me going for a VBA3C. So that has made a big difference, to know I can at least to a point talk to her about this. So we are just trying to get everything done around here and slowly it is happening. We got the girls room organized and carpets cleaned and this weekend we are going to do the rest of the carpets and get out dinning/laundry room and our bed room mucked out yay! I am so excited. I think once that is done I can just breath for a few. We also need to start getting baby stuff. I still have everything from the girls but we do need a new bassinet. I want to get a co-sleeper for next to the bed but we will see. I also need to get a Moby and try baby wearing for the first time yippy! And the norm diapers, wipes, pumping supplies, milk storage bags ect. Even though I did have 1 ultrasound and found the placenta to be posterior they were not able to see the sex. Everything is telling me this is a boy and I am hoping its a boy but since we don't know I can't get clothes and I have very minimal stuff for a boy so I am hoping I can find out for that reason only. If I had both it would be a surprise. We are though keeping it to ourselves when we do find out as we both think it would be such a cool thing for mostly my fiance to announce the sex to everyone. But w will see if that happens lol as he can get excited and blab very easily.

What right do I have???

So in thinking about what I want to do and what I am planning right now as far as my birth goes I am at peace with it for the most part. The only thing I am not fully at peace with is of course what is always the problem. What if. So in thinking about what I would do incase of transfer and if I have another c/section and have any kind of complications after I sit here and think about how it effected those around me last time and I think hmm what right do I have to put everyone through that. And I am not just talking about my extended family. I am talking about those who were here taking care of me and my kids when my fiance was at work. The only ones I see fitting in to this picture is my children of course, my son was so terribly worried about me last time and with him already having severe anxiety this didn't help him much at all. Then there are my youngest. My oldest daughter I know was effected in some ways as I think she knew mommy wasn't ok and then there was the whole not being able to pick her up for many weeks and she so wanted me to. Now I have my youngest, and she is sooo needy. Way more so then any of my other children. How would she handle mommy not being able to pick her up at her every whime? My fiance bless him has already stated he doesn't want me worrying about him, that even though it was hard on him he knows it was way harder on me and he pulled through it and thinks if anything like that happens again we all will be ok and get through it like before. I know he is right. I have gotten through it already now 2 times yes it will be very hard emotionally and physically but I will get through it. Then the only other person I worry about is my mother. She was there everyday that she could be to help out. Weekends, some days after work in the very begining she came to help till my fiance got home from work. But really what right do I have to possibly put all these people under such stress. There are a lot of people out there who would tell me not to worry about what "family" thinks and just do what I feel is best for me. Now I am not saying that anyone who takes this approach is selfish but for me this is because my choices will directly impact those people. So I choose to do what I want to do and if it doesn't turn out then those I ahve named will end up being there to help me pick up the pieces. How fair is that to them?

What will be my partners roll in this birth?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=559913&in_page_id=1879 I recently came across this article written by Michel Odent on how he believes fathers shouldn't be present for the birth of their children. I have been thinking a lot about this since reading the article and having a few things jump out to me. My fiance is a pretty laid by kind of guy. But when put into situations that are new or scary to him he gets very tense and anxious. There have been many times he has gotten upset seeing me in pain and he doesn't like it even if he knows its an ok normal pain its hard for him to see me like that. In my last labor he was there but not the way I wanted him to be and I noticed I coped and did a lot better when I was alone. I know I want him there for the birth but I am re thinking him being my constant support during labor. I know in my last labor I could sense when he was near me even if he didn't touch me or say anything I could feel his tenseness if that makes sense. I had planned on hiring 2 doula's 1 for labor support and 1 to help care for the kids as no one in my family knows of our plans and neither do any close friends. Now I am still planning on hiring 2 doula's but I am thinking I am going to have him do the caring for the kids unless I feel I really need him to be with me and in that case I will still have someone who can take care of the kids. I am hoping this time around he will remember and know what to expect and maybe he will be able to relax a little more.

Very angry and need to vent

Hmm ok, I had gotten to the point where I now question somethings suggested by OB's, Midwifes(CNM and DEM) and in general all care providers. Now I know I need to question EVERYTHING! I was poking around online reading birth stories ect and in one of the stories there was a link to a contraction timer online. So I thought score! In my last labor my fiance kept falling asleep and not really timing them very accurately and I couldn't think well enough to find one with Google in the middle of labor. So when I look at it to make sure it worked and that it was free I see in the sidebar advertisements ads for attorneys. Ok so what they are all over the web right. What was it about the ad that caught my eye.....Terbutaline. This is a very common drug given to women to stop possible preterm labor. Here is what the site said about it and in looking around specifically for info all the sites I read said it is not approved for use of stopping or slowing down labor!!!

Terbutaline was originally approved for usage by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for the treatment of asthma symptoms. It acts to relax muscles. It has never been approved for use as a drug to prevent labor (a tocolytic drug).

The manufacturer of terbutaline (sold under brand names of brethine and bricanyl) has never sought labeling approval for use as a tocolytic and, in fact, its labeling has specifically stated that it was not approved for treatment of pre-term labor.

Despite such labeling and despite the absence of clinical trial data which would support the efficacy and safety of the use of terbutaline as a maintenance tocolytic (usage of greater than 48 hours), for over 20 years obstetricians have been using terbutaline in such an off-label manner to slow or prevent pre-term labor.

Recent studies relate terbutaline usage to autism. The possibility of such a link has been recognized for some time.

There may be more than one cause of autism. That does not exonerate terbutaline as a cause.

You know this really makes me very angry and I know alot of that anger comes from my own personal experience with being lied to by providers and knowing that they most of the time spew crap. They spread fear and crap! And if you don't go along with what they are recommending or if you question in anyway you get the old "dead baby" card. All a mother needs to hear is "your baby could die" and most of the time it works. Well I am sorry not on me. NOT ANYMORE! Birth is as safe as life gets. There is NOTHING in life that has a 100% guarantee why should anyone expect birth to be 100%. I was given this drug in my second pregnancy as they thought I was in early preterm labor, now looking back I know it wasn't labor but at the time I was a good girl, the good patient that did everything her OB/CNM told me to do and I NEVER questioned if this drug was safe for me or baby. I just assumed that if it wasn't approved for it they wouldn't use it. Wow such a crock of shit!