What right do I have???

So in thinking about what I want to do and what I am planning right now as far as my birth goes I am at peace with it for the most part. The only thing I am not fully at peace with is of course what is always the problem. What if. So in thinking about what I would do incase of transfer and if I have another c/section and have any kind of complications after I sit here and think about how it effected those around me last time and I think hmm what right do I have to put everyone through that. And I am not just talking about my extended family. I am talking about those who were here taking care of me and my kids when my fiance was at work. The only ones I see fitting in to this picture is my children of course, my son was so terribly worried about me last time and with him already having severe anxiety this didn't help him much at all. Then there are my youngest. My oldest daughter I know was effected in some ways as I think she knew mommy wasn't ok and then there was the whole not being able to pick her up for many weeks and she so wanted me to. Now I have my youngest, and she is sooo needy. Way more so then any of my other children. How would she handle mommy not being able to pick her up at her every whime? My fiance bless him has already stated he doesn't want me worrying about him, that even though it was hard on him he knows it was way harder on me and he pulled through it and thinks if anything like that happens again we all will be ok and get through it like before. I know he is right. I have gotten through it already now 2 times yes it will be very hard emotionally and physically but I will get through it. Then the only other person I worry about is my mother. She was there everyday that she could be to help out. Weekends, some days after work in the very begining she came to help till my fiance got home from work. But really what right do I have to possibly put all these people under such stress. There are a lot of people out there who would tell me not to worry about what "family" thinks and just do what I feel is best for me. Now I am not saying that anyone who takes this approach is selfish but for me this is because my choices will directly impact those people. So I choose to do what I want to do and if it doesn't turn out then those I ahve named will end up being there to help me pick up the pieces. How fair is that to them?

The "what ifs" VS the "why not me"

So this has been popping in to my mind the last few days and wanted to explore it a little bit more. The "what ifs" VS the "why not me" thing going on in my head. The "what ifs": A planned Cesarean hmm. Planning, knowing what day baby would be here would be great! In theory. There are some pros that can come with having a scheduled cesarean. No labor, knowing what day baby will be here ect but is it worth it? Is it worth it to me to just do what I know everyone around me wants me to do, lie down and get butchered again to only wonder the rest of my life "what if"? What if I would have tried? What if I would allow my baby to pick when its born?. What if I COULD have birth S/He? Going this route I would never know. I would always sit back and wonder why I didn't give them the chance. Then there are the "why not me?". Planning a VBA3C, I know that it is very possible I could end up with another cesarean. Then I will have my whole life to wonder "why not me?" what could have I done differently, better? Is there anything I could have changed that would have changed the outcome? Again it would be a life long question to which I would never find an answer. Either way I will never get the answer to either of these questions and either way I will feel like a failure for one reason or another. I know in my heart I can't just lay down and have another cesarean with no medical reason to do so. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I know in my heart what I want to do but I can't get parts of my brain to shut up. I know alot of my fear comes from the horrible complications that I endured after my last failed TOL and cesarean. No matter how hard I try and let that go I can't. I worry and have worried about this long before I even conceived. What if I have more problems next time? Can I handle that? I know that I didn't think I could handle it last time and I did. I survived. But it still stays with me. When we had talked about having another one I knew that I had to let this go. Either way whether its planned or not I could still have the same problems. There is no way to stop it, its just one of those things that can happen in any surgery. So in theory I could go ahead an plan another cesarean and wind up worse then last time. The only thing that got me through my postpartum time was that at least I knew I tried my best to avoid a cesarean. And then there is even more to throw into it. What if I SUCCEED! Then I will have worried about it for nothing. I guess at this point I am still trying to envision me pushing this baby out. I have had so many dreams about it that felt so real. I KNOW I CAN. ICAN!!!