Summer is begining, so many changes.

Summer is finally starting here and it has been beautiful the last several days and make me long for more days like these. Today though it has gone back to its old rainy ways and I miss the sunshine already even though we only had a few days of it. Just like the seasons change so can life. Things around here sure have been changing. My daughters party went wonderfully. My aunt didn't even come. It was a great party and she had such a great time and got some great gifts and I was happy to see that everyone followed what I asked as far as not getting her things that she isn't ready for like barbies or things she will never have (Bratz) and not going overboard on her. She only got a few toys, some art supplies like good crayons, markers, paint, stamps and paper and summer clothes . Not one word was mentioned at the party and I was very happy about that. We went home and put the girls down for their nap and breathed a great sigh of relief. I had started on my letter to send to my mom during the week and was getting excited about telling the rest of the world the news. Later in the week my mom called to chat like we do during the week and then shit hit the fan. After talking about how the kids were doing and such I hear this"Soo I hear...ops hold on 'click over" I look at my finance and tell him she knows. He just looked at me and asked how. I told him I didn't know and what she had said so I waited for her to come back. When she does she in fact knows and tells me how she found out. I was furious! The one person I was worried about all along saying something did in fact tell my mom. We(me and my best friend) were so worried that her husband would say something she almost didn't come because she didn't want him to say anything but she didn't want to miss the party either. We both felt confident he wouldn't boy were we wrong. He took it upon himself to pull my mom aside after the party was over and we were cleaning up and taking things back to the house that we were having another one. I still haven't dealt with him yet as I have been to angry to even talk or even look at him. So she knows but didn't say anything to anyone in the family and was understanding as to why I didn't want to say anything but I am still so angry mostly because he broke my confidence and took away from me telling my mom the news. Aside from that everything has been going great with the pregnancy so far. Even though I have yet to see anyone I have been keeping track of everything myself. I had gained 10 pounds or so and due to all the morning sickness I am back to what I was pre-pregnancy woot! My Bp has been great and I am finally able to really eat, everyday many times a day lol. Even though everything has been going great there is still a part of me that feels planning a home birth isn't the right path for me. I have been having this feeling for many weeks and have just sat on it. Looking at it, exploring it and have come to the conclusion that this isn't fear based in anyway. I can not just ignore this feeling, there is a reason my body and baby are telling me this and with my last planned home birth I never had this feeling in any way. I was very confident in my choice even though it was a last minute switch. So I am going to follow the path this leads me on. I am going to make an appointment and start planning a hospital VBA3C. I know its going to be extreamly hard if not impossible to find a provider that will help me but in that area I am lucky I live where I live. There are 6-7 hospitals all within 45 minutes of my house so I have tons of options. I do have my eye on 1 hospital that I really want to deliver at and will push if I have to to be there. I have also started printing out info to take to my appointments. The latest study on VBAMC that show the rupture rate to not be much higher(only raises by .2%) and anything I can find on informed consent and patient bill of rights. So that is where I am at right now. My finance understands why I have changed my mind and is 100% supportive what ever I decide.

They don't even know how their songs can speak to your heart

I have for a while now been collecting songs that I want to have to listen to during labor. Last time I had 1 CD lol that was great but just not enough. After like the 5th time of listening to it my fiance changed it to the next CD in our changer and it was rap uhh not what I wanted to listen to at that time. I remember yelling at him to turn that s*** off lol. So I keep my ear out for new music that I may not otherwise hear as I almost never listen to the radio unless I am in the car. So I heard Jewels new song stronger women and I LOVE it. Now granted the whole song doesn't apply to me but these parts hit me hard and make me tear up when it gets to these parts.

I'm gonna love myself More than anyone else Believe in me Even if someone can't see A stronger woman in me I'm gonna be my own best friend Stick with me till the end Won't lose myself again Never, no Cuz' there's a stronger woman A stronger woman in me

Thats the chorus and to me it hits very close to home. Here is the other part of the song that gets me crying:

I've lived on hope Like a child Walking that mile Faking that smile All the while Wishing my heart had wings Well from now on I'm gonna be The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be Oh

So I have added this song to my "birth" playlist for my MP3 player so I don't have to worry about anyone switching my songs. They can listen to what they want and I can be off with my MP3 and just be in labor land. I don't think that song writter/musicians really know how deeply thier songs can effect people.