Time for an update

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had updated . So far its been an awsome summer and my kids are loving the awesome weather. I am past the half way mark in my pregnancy and as each day goes by I get more and more anxious. If you ask me what my plan is it will really depend on the day as to what my answer will be. I am still at this point planning to VBAC. Where and how and with who is still not decided. I have not yet found a provider to be supportive and have heard it all from we don't allow this to yeah we can't force you but we will tell you every time we see you that you are making a mistake and putting you and your babies life at risk. Hmm not something I really want to hear at every appointment. I am holding out hope for 1 more provider that I have heard is very VBAC supportive and has in that past encouraged VBA2 and 3c. At this point I have all my options on the table in front of me including home birthing and going unassisted. Nothing is yet set in stone. A repeat is also on my mind but at this point pretty far from becoming a reality. I am somewhat concerned about the amount of scar tissue I have. Not on my uterus but from my wound separation with my last one I know I have tons of scar tissue from skin to fascia. And I do worry that if something were to happen like cord prolapse or even uterine rupture that the amount of scar tissue they would have to get through would be too much and either they wouldn't get to baby in time or I would end up with a classical cut and I DON'T want that. So I know I need to work through that fear and decide if that is enough of a reason to me to have a repeat. It would not be scheduled at all I would wait for labor to start then go in that way at least baby had picked its birth date and we both would get the benefits of labor. I have had many heart to hearts with my mom and to my surprise she says she will be supportive of what ever I choose, providing its in the hospital. Well I knew she would never budge on her opinion of home birth but I was very surprised that she is being supportive of me going for a VBA3C. So that has made a big difference, to know I can at least to a point talk to her about this. So we are just trying to get everything done around here and slowly it is happening. We got the girls room organized and carpets cleaned and this weekend we are going to do the rest of the carpets and get out dinning/laundry room and our bed room mucked out yay! I am so excited. I think once that is done I can just breath for a few. We also need to start getting baby stuff. I still have everything from the girls but we do need a new bassinet. I want to get a co-sleeper for next to the bed but we will see. I also need to get a Moby and try baby wearing for the first time yippy! And the norm diapers, wipes, pumping supplies, milk storage bags ect. Even though I did have 1 ultrasound and found the placenta to be posterior they were not able to see the sex. Everything is telling me this is a boy and I am hoping its a boy but since we don't know I can't get clothes and I have very minimal stuff for a boy so I am hoping I can find out for that reason only. If I had both it would be a surprise. We are though keeping it to ourselves when we do find out as we both think it would be such a cool thing for mostly my fiance to announce the sex to everyone. But w will see if that happens lol as he can get excited and blab very easily.

Summer is begining, so many changes.

Summer is finally starting here and it has been beautiful the last several days and make me long for more days like these. Today though it has gone back to its old rainy ways and I miss the sunshine already even though we only had a few days of it. Just like the seasons change so can life. Things around here sure have been changing. My daughters party went wonderfully. My aunt didn't even come. It was a great party and she had such a great time and got some great gifts and I was happy to see that everyone followed what I asked as far as not getting her things that she isn't ready for like barbies or things she will never have (Bratz) and not going overboard on her. She only got a few toys, some art supplies like good crayons, markers, paint, stamps and paper and summer clothes . Not one word was mentioned at the party and I was very happy about that. We went home and put the girls down for their nap and breathed a great sigh of relief. I had started on my letter to send to my mom during the week and was getting excited about telling the rest of the world the news. Later in the week my mom called to chat like we do during the week and then shit hit the fan. After talking about how the kids were doing and such I hear this"Soo I hear...ops hold on 'click over" I look at my finance and tell him she knows. He just looked at me and asked how. I told him I didn't know and what she had said so I waited for her to come back. When she does she in fact knows and tells me how she found out. I was furious! The one person I was worried about all along saying something did in fact tell my mom. We(me and my best friend) were so worried that her husband would say something she almost didn't come because she didn't want him to say anything but she didn't want to miss the party either. We both felt confident he wouldn't boy were we wrong. He took it upon himself to pull my mom aside after the party was over and we were cleaning up and taking things back to the house that we were having another one. I still haven't dealt with him yet as I have been to angry to even talk or even look at him. So she knows but didn't say anything to anyone in the family and was understanding as to why I didn't want to say anything but I am still so angry mostly because he broke my confidence and took away from me telling my mom the news. Aside from that everything has been going great with the pregnancy so far. Even though I have yet to see anyone I have been keeping track of everything myself. I had gained 10 pounds or so and due to all the morning sickness I am back to what I was pre-pregnancy woot! My Bp has been great and I am finally able to really eat, everyday many times a day lol. Even though everything has been going great there is still a part of me that feels planning a home birth isn't the right path for me. I have been having this feeling for many weeks and have just sat on it. Looking at it, exploring it and have come to the conclusion that this isn't fear based in anyway. I can not just ignore this feeling, there is a reason my body and baby are telling me this and with my last planned home birth I never had this feeling in any way. I was very confident in my choice even though it was a last minute switch. So I am going to follow the path this leads me on. I am going to make an appointment and start planning a hospital VBA3C. I know its going to be extreamly hard if not impossible to find a provider that will help me but in that area I am lucky I live where I live. There are 6-7 hospitals all within 45 minutes of my house so I have tons of options. I do have my eye on 1 hospital that I really want to deliver at and will push if I have to to be there. I have also started printing out info to take to my appointments. The latest study on VBAMC that show the rupture rate to not be much higher(only raises by .2%) and anything I can find on informed consent and patient bill of rights. So that is where I am at right now. My finance understands why I have changed my mind and is 100% supportive what ever I decide.

They don't even know how their songs can speak to your heart

I have for a while now been collecting songs that I want to have to listen to during labor. Last time I had 1 CD lol that was great but just not enough. After like the 5th time of listening to it my fiance changed it to the next CD in our changer and it was rap uhh not what I wanted to listen to at that time. I remember yelling at him to turn that s*** off lol. So I keep my ear out for new music that I may not otherwise hear as I almost never listen to the radio unless I am in the car. So I heard Jewels new song stronger women and I LOVE it. Now granted the whole song doesn't apply to me but these parts hit me hard and make me tear up when it gets to these parts.

I'm gonna love myself More than anyone else Believe in me Even if someone can't see A stronger woman in me I'm gonna be my own best friend Stick with me till the end Won't lose myself again Never, no Cuz' there's a stronger woman A stronger woman in me

Thats the chorus and to me it hits very close to home. Here is the other part of the song that gets me crying:

I've lived on hope Like a child Walking that mile Faking that smile All the while Wishing my heart had wings Well from now on I'm gonna be The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be Oh

So I have added this song to my "birth" playlist for my MP3 player so I don't have to worry about anyone switching my songs. They can listen to what they want and I can be off with my MP3 and just be in labor land. I don't think that song writter/musicians really know how deeply thier songs can effect people.

What right do I have???

So in thinking about what I want to do and what I am planning right now as far as my birth goes I am at peace with it for the most part. The only thing I am not fully at peace with is of course what is always the problem. What if. So in thinking about what I would do incase of transfer and if I have another c/section and have any kind of complications after I sit here and think about how it effected those around me last time and I think hmm what right do I have to put everyone through that. And I am not just talking about my extended family. I am talking about those who were here taking care of me and my kids when my fiance was at work. The only ones I see fitting in to this picture is my children of course, my son was so terribly worried about me last time and with him already having severe anxiety this didn't help him much at all. Then there are my youngest. My oldest daughter I know was effected in some ways as I think she knew mommy wasn't ok and then there was the whole not being able to pick her up for many weeks and she so wanted me to. Now I have my youngest, and she is sooo needy. Way more so then any of my other children. How would she handle mommy not being able to pick her up at her every whime? My fiance bless him has already stated he doesn't want me worrying about him, that even though it was hard on him he knows it was way harder on me and he pulled through it and thinks if anything like that happens again we all will be ok and get through it like before. I know he is right. I have gotten through it already now 2 times yes it will be very hard emotionally and physically but I will get through it. Then the only other person I worry about is my mother. She was there everyday that she could be to help out. Weekends, some days after work in the very begining she came to help till my fiance got home from work. But really what right do I have to possibly put all these people under such stress. There are a lot of people out there who would tell me not to worry about what "family" thinks and just do what I feel is best for me. Now I am not saying that anyone who takes this approach is selfish but for me this is because my choices will directly impact those people. So I choose to do what I want to do and if it doesn't turn out then those I ahve named will end up being there to help me pick up the pieces. How fair is that to them?

I am finally me again!!!

Ahh I am finally feeling like me again. This morning sickness has been rough, for me. I know a lot of other moms have it 100x's worse but this for me was hard. But over the last week or so I am starting to feel like my old self again. I have though still been really tired as I have been dealing with everyone here getting sick. My 2 youngest both had the stomach flu earlier this week and them my fiance got a touch of it. SO I am just praying to don't come up with it. I am now in my second trimester. My family still doesn't know I am pregnant but like I have mentioned before I think my mom is sensing something and just doesn't realize it yet. We have decited we are going to wait till after DD1 3rd birthday before we tell anyone. I don't want to chance snappy comments by my family that will piss everyone off and start a fight at her party as I have an aunt who loves to pick and pock at everyone and most off my son. But that is a whole other post lol. So we figure that if we wait till after her party woln't be ruined and that will give them all 3 months to get over it or not come to DD2 2nd birthday party. I am so very excited though as my cousin is comming in a week or so from Arizona to visit. She is only 16 but so awsome to hang out with and we have so much fun just being in sweats on my couches watching movies stuffing our faces lol. Anyway so I am so happy she is comming and I can tell her and have at least 1 person in my family who I can tell my plans to and know I will have her support. She has always been curious as to my experiances with my births and is eager to really learn about the way things really are. She gets as much as she can at her age with no kids how my c/section effected me. When I talked to her after having my last one she cried with as I told her all that happened. Anyway so I am looking forward to that and ready for the nicer weather to come back. I still have some thoughts I will post at a later time that I really need to work through. I found a new support group for birth trauma and am looking forward to learning new ways to get through this and hopefully one day have it behind me even though I know it will never be gone I just don't want it looming over me anymore.

Its been a while time to update

Its been a while since I have been able to post any updates. Between my computer dying on me and the over all way I have been feeling I haven't done a whole lot of anything lol. I have been feeling sooo sick so far and I hate it with a passion. I have never been so sick in any of my other pregnancies. I guess its just karma coming back since I used to brag about never having morning sickness or like many have pointed out maybe there is more then one in there stirring things up. Other then that I have been doing great. I have my first prenatal in June and I am so excited. I still have my days were I flip flop and a lot of that is just fear. I am still very scared and not just of the whole birth part but thinking my goodness 3 kids 3 and under am I nuts lol. I know there will be an adjustment phase but all in all I think we will be fine and that its going to be so fun. I can't wait till S/he is here, I can smell that awesome baby smell, ahh it seems so far away but then again its like nooo I need more time to prepare ahhh. We finally started getting some stuff done around here. Got the few holes fixed in the walls and got the living room, hallway and 1 bathroom done! Woo hoo now just our room and master bath and it will be done! It looks sooo much better. Nice and bright again. Now we just need to keep clearing out the clutter and still looking for a sectional with a recliner as I need a big chair to sit in to nurse as those pillows don't work for me. So this will be a good solution not only that our current couch and love seat are white(what the hell was I thinking!) and we have had them for roughly 1 1/2 years and they are not so white any more lol and the cushions are falling apart and have big holes in them. Pretty embarrassing.

What will be my partners roll in this birth?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=559913&in_page_id=1879 I recently came across this article written by Michel Odent on how he believes fathers shouldn't be present for the birth of their children. I have been thinking a lot about this since reading the article and having a few things jump out to me. My fiance is a pretty laid by kind of guy. But when put into situations that are new or scary to him he gets very tense and anxious. There have been many times he has gotten upset seeing me in pain and he doesn't like it even if he knows its an ok normal pain its hard for him to see me like that. In my last labor he was there but not the way I wanted him to be and I noticed I coped and did a lot better when I was alone. I know I want him there for the birth but I am re thinking him being my constant support during labor. I know in my last labor I could sense when he was near me even if he didn't touch me or say anything I could feel his tenseness if that makes sense. I had planned on hiring 2 doula's 1 for labor support and 1 to help care for the kids as no one in my family knows of our plans and neither do any close friends. Now I am still planning on hiring 2 doula's but I am thinking I am going to have him do the caring for the kids unless I feel I really need him to be with me and in that case I will still have someone who can take care of the kids. I am hoping this time around he will remember and know what to expect and maybe he will be able to relax a little more.

The "what ifs" VS the "why not me"

So this has been popping in to my mind the last few days and wanted to explore it a little bit more. The "what ifs" VS the "why not me" thing going on in my head. The "what ifs": A planned Cesarean hmm. Planning, knowing what day baby would be here would be great! In theory. There are some pros that can come with having a scheduled cesarean. No labor, knowing what day baby will be here ect but is it worth it? Is it worth it to me to just do what I know everyone around me wants me to do, lie down and get butchered again to only wonder the rest of my life "what if"? What if I would have tried? What if I would allow my baby to pick when its born?. What if I COULD have birth S/He? Going this route I would never know. I would always sit back and wonder why I didn't give them the chance. Then there are the "why not me?". Planning a VBA3C, I know that it is very possible I could end up with another cesarean. Then I will have my whole life to wonder "why not me?" what could have I done differently, better? Is there anything I could have changed that would have changed the outcome? Again it would be a life long question to which I would never find an answer. Either way I will never get the answer to either of these questions and either way I will feel like a failure for one reason or another. I know in my heart I can't just lay down and have another cesarean with no medical reason to do so. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I know in my heart what I want to do but I can't get parts of my brain to shut up. I know alot of my fear comes from the horrible complications that I endured after my last failed TOL and cesarean. No matter how hard I try and let that go I can't. I worry and have worried about this long before I even conceived. What if I have more problems next time? Can I handle that? I know that I didn't think I could handle it last time and I did. I survived. But it still stays with me. When we had talked about having another one I knew that I had to let this go. Either way whether its planned or not I could still have the same problems. There is no way to stop it, its just one of those things that can happen in any surgery. So in theory I could go ahead an plan another cesarean and wind up worse then last time. The only thing that got me through my postpartum time was that at least I knew I tried my best to avoid a cesarean. And then there is even more to throw into it. What if I SUCCEED! Then I will have worried about it for nothing. I guess at this point I am still trying to envision me pushing this baby out. I have had so many dreams about it that felt so real. I KNOW I CAN. ICAN!!!

Very angry and need to vent

Hmm ok, I had gotten to the point where I now question somethings suggested by OB's, Midwifes(CNM and DEM) and in general all care providers. Now I know I need to question EVERYTHING! I was poking around online reading birth stories ect and in one of the stories there was a link to a contraction timer online. So I thought score! In my last labor my fiance kept falling asleep and not really timing them very accurately and I couldn't think well enough to find one with Google in the middle of labor. So when I look at it to make sure it worked and that it was free I see in the sidebar advertisements ads for attorneys. Ok so what they are all over the web right. What was it about the ad that caught my eye.....Terbutaline. This is a very common drug given to women to stop possible preterm labor. Here is what the site said about it and in looking around specifically for info all the sites I read said it is not approved for use of stopping or slowing down labor!!!

Terbutaline was originally approved for usage by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for the treatment of asthma symptoms. It acts to relax muscles. It has never been approved for use as a drug to prevent labor (a tocolytic drug).

The manufacturer of terbutaline (sold under brand names of brethine and bricanyl) has never sought labeling approval for use as a tocolytic and, in fact, its labeling has specifically stated that it was not approved for treatment of pre-term labor.

Despite such labeling and despite the absence of clinical trial data which would support the efficacy and safety of the use of terbutaline as a maintenance tocolytic (usage of greater than 48 hours), for over 20 years obstetricians have been using terbutaline in such an off-label manner to slow or prevent pre-term labor.

Recent studies relate terbutaline usage to autism. The possibility of such a link has been recognized for some time.

There may be more than one cause of autism. That does not exonerate terbutaline as a cause.

You know this really makes me very angry and I know alot of that anger comes from my own personal experience with being lied to by providers and knowing that they most of the time spew crap. They spread fear and crap! And if you don't go along with what they are recommending or if you question in anyway you get the old "dead baby" card. All a mother needs to hear is "your baby could die" and most of the time it works. Well I am sorry not on me. NOT ANYMORE! Birth is as safe as life gets. There is NOTHING in life that has a 100% guarantee why should anyone expect birth to be 100%. I was given this drug in my second pregnancy as they thought I was in early preterm labor, now looking back I know it wasn't labor but at the time I was a good girl, the good patient that did everything her OB/CNM told me to do and I NEVER questioned if this drug was safe for me or baby. I just assumed that if it wasn't approved for it they wouldn't use it. Wow such a crock of shit!

My new blog

This is still in process of getting it the way I want it to look so bear with me. So far looks ok but still may need some fine tunning. I am still in the "OMG" stage of still not believing I am pregnant. Its so unreal to me still. I found out about a week ago and have retested several times only to see the line get darker each time. I am so very happy about adding to our family. I am already antsy about meeting the little person growing my my tummy but want s/he to say in there as long as they feel they need to. Only a few people IRL know I am pregnant. A few close friends and that is about it. My oldest son doesn't know either and I will not tell him until I am ready to tell my family as he tends to have a big mouth lol. No one in my family knows I am pregnant and its going to stay that way for a while at least. I have even contimplated not saying anything until they ask when I start showing. I know they are not going to be supportive in anyway as they think I have "enough" children. Not only that but I know they will in no way be supportive of my choice to try for a VBA3C. They were against my last one as well. I am not so much worried about them as I plan on telling them the topic is off limits to disscution. So now we have a very long list of things to do lol. #1 is we are going to try and move over the summer as our apartment is just getting toooo small. In the mean time I am going to start in each room organising, getting ride of crap we don't need(being a pack rat runs in my family lol), cleaning the carpets, fixing and painting the walls and getting new furniture. On baby things I am pretty set for now until/IF we find out the gender I havn't decited on that but leaning tward finding out so if it is a boy we can prepare and start buying boy cloths. If its a girl I am set. I still have all the clothes from when the girls were young and as they grow out of it I throw it in a tote and pack it away. I believe I am up to 2 t lol so lots and LOTs of clothes. I am still in the begining of my journey but still know I have a long way to go and alot to process before then.