What right do I have???

So in thinking about what I want to do and what I am planning right now as far as my birth goes I am at peace with it for the most part. The only thing I am not fully at peace with is of course what is always the problem. What if. So in thinking about what I would do incase of transfer and if I have another c/section and have any kind of complications after I sit here and think about how it effected those around me last time and I think hmm what right do I have to put everyone through that. And I am not just talking about my extended family. I am talking about those who were here taking care of me and my kids when my fiance was at work. The only ones I see fitting in to this picture is my children of course, my son was so terribly worried about me last time and with him already having severe anxiety this didn't help him much at all. Then there are my youngest. My oldest daughter I know was effected in some ways as I think she knew mommy wasn't ok and then there was the whole not being able to pick her up for many weeks and she so wanted me to. Now I have my youngest, and she is sooo needy. Way more so then any of my other children. How would she handle mommy not being able to pick her up at her every whime? My fiance bless him has already stated he doesn't want me worrying about him, that even though it was hard on him he knows it was way harder on me and he pulled through it and thinks if anything like that happens again we all will be ok and get through it like before. I know he is right. I have gotten through it already now 2 times yes it will be very hard emotionally and physically but I will get through it. Then the only other person I worry about is my mother. She was there everyday that she could be to help out. Weekends, some days after work in the very begining she came to help till my fiance got home from work. But really what right do I have to possibly put all these people under such stress. There are a lot of people out there who would tell me not to worry about what "family" thinks and just do what I feel is best for me. Now I am not saying that anyone who takes this approach is selfish but for me this is because my choices will directly impact those people. So I choose to do what I want to do and if it doesn't turn out then those I ahve named will end up being there to help me pick up the pieces. How fair is that to them?

I am finally me again!!!

Ahh I am finally feeling like me again. This morning sickness has been rough, for me. I know a lot of other moms have it 100x's worse but this for me was hard. But over the last week or so I am starting to feel like my old self again. I have though still been really tired as I have been dealing with everyone here getting sick. My 2 youngest both had the stomach flu earlier this week and them my fiance got a touch of it. SO I am just praying to don't come up with it. I am now in my second trimester. My family still doesn't know I am pregnant but like I have mentioned before I think my mom is sensing something and just doesn't realize it yet. We have decited we are going to wait till after DD1 3rd birthday before we tell anyone. I don't want to chance snappy comments by my family that will piss everyone off and start a fight at her party as I have an aunt who loves to pick and pock at everyone and most off my son. But that is a whole other post lol. So we figure that if we wait till after her party woln't be ruined and that will give them all 3 months to get over it or not come to DD2 2nd birthday party. I am so very excited though as my cousin is comming in a week or so from Arizona to visit. She is only 16 but so awsome to hang out with and we have so much fun just being in sweats on my couches watching movies stuffing our faces lol. Anyway so I am so happy she is comming and I can tell her and have at least 1 person in my family who I can tell my plans to and know I will have her support. She has always been curious as to my experiances with my births and is eager to really learn about the way things really are. She gets as much as she can at her age with no kids how my c/section effected me. When I talked to her after having my last one she cried with as I told her all that happened. Anyway so I am looking forward to that and ready for the nicer weather to come back. I still have some thoughts I will post at a later time that I really need to work through. I found a new support group for birth trauma and am looking forward to learning new ways to get through this and hopefully one day have it behind me even though I know it will never be gone I just don't want it looming over me anymore.

Its been a while time to update

Its been a while since I have been able to post any updates. Between my computer dying on me and the over all way I have been feeling I haven't done a whole lot of anything lol. I have been feeling sooo sick so far and I hate it with a passion. I have never been so sick in any of my other pregnancies. I guess its just karma coming back since I used to brag about never having morning sickness or like many have pointed out maybe there is more then one in there stirring things up. Other then that I have been doing great. I have my first prenatal in June and I am so excited. I still have my days were I flip flop and a lot of that is just fear. I am still very scared and not just of the whole birth part but thinking my goodness 3 kids 3 and under am I nuts lol. I know there will be an adjustment phase but all in all I think we will be fine and that its going to be so fun. I can't wait till S/he is here, I can smell that awesome baby smell, ahh it seems so far away but then again its like nooo I need more time to prepare ahhh. We finally started getting some stuff done around here. Got the few holes fixed in the walls and got the living room, hallway and 1 bathroom done! Woo hoo now just our room and master bath and it will be done! It looks sooo much better. Nice and bright again. Now we just need to keep clearing out the clutter and still looking for a sectional with a recliner as I need a big chair to sit in to nurse as those pillows don't work for me. So this will be a good solution not only that our current couch and love seat are white(what the hell was I thinking!) and we have had them for roughly 1 1/2 years and they are not so white any more lol and the cushions are falling apart and have big holes in them. Pretty embarrassing.