What will be my partners roll in this birth?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=559913&in_page_id=1879 I recently came across this article written by Michel Odent on how he believes fathers shouldn't be present for the birth of their children. I have been thinking a lot about this since reading the article and having a few things jump out to me. My fiance is a pretty laid by kind of guy. But when put into situations that are new or scary to him he gets very tense and anxious. There have been many times he has gotten upset seeing me in pain and he doesn't like it even if he knows its an ok normal pain its hard for him to see me like that. In my last labor he was there but not the way I wanted him to be and I noticed I coped and did a lot better when I was alone. I know I want him there for the birth but I am re thinking him being my constant support during labor. I know in my last labor I could sense when he was near me even if he didn't touch me or say anything I could feel his tenseness if that makes sense. I had planned on hiring 2 doula's 1 for labor support and 1 to help care for the kids as no one in my family knows of our plans and neither do any close friends. Now I am still planning on hiring 2 doula's but I am thinking I am going to have him do the caring for the kids unless I feel I really need him to be with me and in that case I will still have someone who can take care of the kids. I am hoping this time around he will remember and know what to expect and maybe he will be able to relax a little more.

The "what ifs" VS the "why not me"

So this has been popping in to my mind the last few days and wanted to explore it a little bit more. The "what ifs" VS the "why not me" thing going on in my head. The "what ifs": A planned Cesarean hmm. Planning, knowing what day baby would be here would be great! In theory. There are some pros that can come with having a scheduled cesarean. No labor, knowing what day baby will be here ect but is it worth it? Is it worth it to me to just do what I know everyone around me wants me to do, lie down and get butchered again to only wonder the rest of my life "what if"? What if I would have tried? What if I would allow my baby to pick when its born?. What if I COULD have birth S/He? Going this route I would never know. I would always sit back and wonder why I didn't give them the chance. Then there are the "why not me?". Planning a VBA3C, I know that it is very possible I could end up with another cesarean. Then I will have my whole life to wonder "why not me?" what could have I done differently, better? Is there anything I could have changed that would have changed the outcome? Again it would be a life long question to which I would never find an answer. Either way I will never get the answer to either of these questions and either way I will feel like a failure for one reason or another. I know in my heart I can't just lay down and have another cesarean with no medical reason to do so. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I know in my heart what I want to do but I can't get parts of my brain to shut up. I know alot of my fear comes from the horrible complications that I endured after my last failed TOL and cesarean. No matter how hard I try and let that go I can't. I worry and have worried about this long before I even conceived. What if I have more problems next time? Can I handle that? I know that I didn't think I could handle it last time and I did. I survived. But it still stays with me. When we had talked about having another one I knew that I had to let this go. Either way whether its planned or not I could still have the same problems. There is no way to stop it, its just one of those things that can happen in any surgery. So in theory I could go ahead an plan another cesarean and wind up worse then last time. The only thing that got me through my postpartum time was that at least I knew I tried my best to avoid a cesarean. And then there is even more to throw into it. What if I SUCCEED! Then I will have worried about it for nothing. I guess at this point I am still trying to envision me pushing this baby out. I have had so many dreams about it that felt so real. I KNOW I CAN. ICAN!!!

Very angry and need to vent

Hmm ok, I had gotten to the point where I now question somethings suggested by OB's, Midwifes(CNM and DEM) and in general all care providers. Now I know I need to question EVERYTHING! I was poking around online reading birth stories ect and in one of the stories there was a link to a contraction timer online. So I thought score! In my last labor my fiance kept falling asleep and not really timing them very accurately and I couldn't think well enough to find one with Google in the middle of labor. So when I look at it to make sure it worked and that it was free I see in the sidebar advertisements ads for attorneys. Ok so what they are all over the web right. What was it about the ad that caught my eye.....Terbutaline. This is a very common drug given to women to stop possible preterm labor. Here is what the site said about it and in looking around specifically for info all the sites I read said it is not approved for use of stopping or slowing down labor!!!

Terbutaline was originally approved for usage by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for the treatment of asthma symptoms. It acts to relax muscles. It has never been approved for use as a drug to prevent labor (a tocolytic drug).

The manufacturer of terbutaline (sold under brand names of brethine and bricanyl) has never sought labeling approval for use as a tocolytic and, in fact, its labeling has specifically stated that it was not approved for treatment of pre-term labor.

Despite such labeling and despite the absence of clinical trial data which would support the efficacy and safety of the use of terbutaline as a maintenance tocolytic (usage of greater than 48 hours), for over 20 years obstetricians have been using terbutaline in such an off-label manner to slow or prevent pre-term labor.

Recent studies relate terbutaline usage to autism. The possibility of such a link has been recognized for some time.

There may be more than one cause of autism. That does not exonerate terbutaline as a cause.

You know this really makes me very angry and I know alot of that anger comes from my own personal experience with being lied to by providers and knowing that they most of the time spew crap. They spread fear and crap! And if you don't go along with what they are recommending or if you question in anyway you get the old "dead baby" card. All a mother needs to hear is "your baby could die" and most of the time it works. Well I am sorry not on me. NOT ANYMORE! Birth is as safe as life gets. There is NOTHING in life that has a 100% guarantee why should anyone expect birth to be 100%. I was given this drug in my second pregnancy as they thought I was in early preterm labor, now looking back I know it wasn't labor but at the time I was a good girl, the good patient that did everything her OB/CNM told me to do and I NEVER questioned if this drug was safe for me or baby. I just assumed that if it wasn't approved for it they wouldn't use it. Wow such a crock of shit!

My new blog

This is still in process of getting it the way I want it to look so bear with me. So far looks ok but still may need some fine tunning. I am still in the "OMG" stage of still not believing I am pregnant. Its so unreal to me still. I found out about a week ago and have retested several times only to see the line get darker each time. I am so very happy about adding to our family. I am already antsy about meeting the little person growing my my tummy but want s/he to say in there as long as they feel they need to. Only a few people IRL know I am pregnant. A few close friends and that is about it. My oldest son doesn't know either and I will not tell him until I am ready to tell my family as he tends to have a big mouth lol. No one in my family knows I am pregnant and its going to stay that way for a while at least. I have even contimplated not saying anything until they ask when I start showing. I know they are not going to be supportive in anyway as they think I have "enough" children. Not only that but I know they will in no way be supportive of my choice to try for a VBA3C. They were against my last one as well. I am not so much worried about them as I plan on telling them the topic is off limits to disscution. So now we have a very long list of things to do lol. #1 is we are going to try and move over the summer as our apartment is just getting toooo small. In the mean time I am going to start in each room organising, getting ride of crap we don't need(being a pack rat runs in my family lol), cleaning the carpets, fixing and painting the walls and getting new furniture. On baby things I am pretty set for now until/IF we find out the gender I havn't decited on that but leaning tward finding out so if it is a boy we can prepare and start buying boy cloths. If its a girl I am set. I still have all the clothes from when the girls were young and as they grow out of it I throw it in a tote and pack it away. I believe I am up to 2 t lol so lots and LOTs of clothes. I am still in the begining of my journey but still know I have a long way to go and alot to process before then.