The "what ifs" VS the "why not me"

So this has been popping in to my mind the last few days and wanted to explore it a little bit more. The "what ifs" VS the "why not me" thing going on in my head. The "what ifs": A planned Cesarean hmm. Planning, knowing what day baby would be here would be great! In theory. There are some pros that can come with having a scheduled cesarean. No labor, knowing what day baby will be here ect but is it worth it? Is it worth it to me to just do what I know everyone around me wants me to do, lie down and get butchered again to only wonder the rest of my life "what if"? What if I would have tried? What if I would allow my baby to pick when its born?. What if I COULD have birth S/He? Going this route I would never know. I would always sit back and wonder why I didn't give them the chance. Then there are the "why not me?". Planning a VBA3C, I know that it is very possible I could end up with another cesarean. Then I will have my whole life to wonder "why not me?" what could have I done differently, better? Is there anything I could have changed that would have changed the outcome? Again it would be a life long question to which I would never find an answer. Either way I will never get the answer to either of these questions and either way I will feel like a failure for one reason or another. I know in my heart I can't just lay down and have another cesarean with no medical reason to do so. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I know in my heart what I want to do but I can't get parts of my brain to shut up. I know alot of my fear comes from the horrible complications that I endured after my last failed TOL and cesarean. No matter how hard I try and let that go I can't. I worry and have worried about this long before I even conceived. What if I have more problems next time? Can I handle that? I know that I didn't think I could handle it last time and I did. I survived. But it still stays with me. When we had talked about having another one I knew that I had to let this go. Either way whether its planned or not I could still have the same problems. There is no way to stop it, its just one of those things that can happen in any surgery. So in theory I could go ahead an plan another cesarean and wind up worse then last time. The only thing that got me through my postpartum time was that at least I knew I tried my best to avoid a cesarean. And then there is even more to throw into it. What if I SUCCEED! Then I will have worried about it for nothing. I guess at this point I am still trying to envision me pushing this baby out. I have had so many dreams about it that felt so real. I KNOW I CAN. ICAN!!!